Georgia and its care and feeding of my soul - AYFKM?!?!

I tend to grocery shop on Sunday. I suppose I could do it on Saturday - but I LIKE to do it on Sunday - I LIKE IT!!! I am not religious and Sunday is just another day of the weekend for me.

Each and every FRAKKING time I go to the grocery store I am again incensed and livid and other colorful angry words because I cannot buy an adult beverage. I've been here 10 years and it never fails to piss me off.

Georgia has decided (long ago I am sure) that the adults of this state should not be able to buy alcohol on Sunday. AYFKM??! They WILL however serve you alcohol in a bar or restaurant. I do not understand the logic that is behind the decision to allow people to drink publicly and possibly drive home intoxicated but precludes buying beverages to take home and drink in your own house.


The closed minded thinking behind this type of lawmaking is what drives my liberal ass to the polls. Even if the misguided goal of the law is to honor some type of Christian value - what the hell about the 7th Day Adventists and Saturdays?? If I were a 7th Day Adventist, I would be super-offended that MY sabbath isn't "GOOD ENOUGH" for a beer ban!

A not so open letter to the Government of the State of Georgia:

Dearest Saxby and pals:

AYFKM?!?!?!?!

AYFKM?! - "That day"

AYFKM?? I did some stuff prior to "that day"

"That day" is the vague day in the future when I'm going to do all the things on my list of stuff that I want to do and should do but aren't critical to my day to day survival and sanity.
A subset of those things can be viewed to the right of this column. I am proud to announce that I have done some of those things and will be removing them from that list. (items being removed are highlighted in red)

* I mailed Christmas cards to a jillion people.
*There was a family photo on those Christmas cards.
*I am compiling the Calendar of Birthdays and have purchased the cards and stamps to go with. (Facebook has been very helpful in this endeavor).
*I have used my smartphone on a number of occasions to notate the myriad of ideas that come and go regarding possible blog content.
*I explored GHWT Studio mode and determined that it is crap and am removing that entry from the list.

Random AYFKM?!?! Moment

Several years ago, my daughter and my husband and I attended a board gaming convention in Atlanta that was organized by Batty's Best something or other - a board game store that I used to love to visit.

Its been AGES ago! We had a great time that day. For those of you who have never done something so completely dorky, attending consists of showing up at the appointed hotel and jumping in and playing board games of all different kinds with all different strangers. Its a great time and it costs very little. (I think its 35 dollars for the three day pass - or cheaper than that for one day) You can also buy new games and people sell the ones they don't play much anymore in kind of a flea market type environment.

So last night, around 2am, I am surfing the world wide webispheres and looking at gaming blogs and run across the blog of Ward Batty. (http://gametable.blogspot.com) He has lots of interesting gaming info on his blog - you should visit if you are into that kind of thing. I was surprised and happy to see - a blurb and link to another event in January like the one we attended several years ago.

So I'm all fired up - WE GOTTA GO! I click on through to take a look at the info and BAM!!!! there I am with my kid in living color on the main page. We are sitting at a table at the front of the room playing a strategy game with two guys we had never met before who are very patiently teaching us how to play. I love it - AYFKM?!?!

(Click on the title of the post to jump to the atlanta game fest site for the "Wheres Buhlinda" type game action)

Buhlinda - The South Park Version


Last week, due to the overwhelming response to my world wide webbified blogtastic musings, I made a cameo appearance on an episode of South Park. Screen clip above:
Posted by Picasa

My daughter has an AYFKM moment - I am so proud.

Gmail - boling. - cohcardinal@gmail.com:

"I just fowarded you a conversation I had with mr boling, the senior counselor.

He has obviously not taken care of my absences like he promised he would.
I confronted him about it via email and he mildly attacked my intelligence.

AYFKM?!?! im a genius. hes a doo doo head.

I told him you or daddy one will speak to him in the near future, but youll see that in the email.

Email him orcall him or have dad call him, I DONT CARE.
im so over this crap.

completely.
love you"

My 2008 Delta Air Travel Stats

  • Total number of Delta flights this year - 67
  • Total Bags of Delta Peanuts consumed in 2008 – 46
  • Total number of Delta Peanuts consumed in 2008 (assuming 10 peanuts per bag) 460
  • Number of Times I considered purchasing something from the SkyMall Magazine but then forgot about it as soon as I exited the airplane – 176
  • Number of times I reviewed the safety instruction card: 0
  • Number of times I assured the flight attendant that I was not only willing but also ABLE to help in the event of an emergency in order to secure myself an emergency row seat. – 8
  • Number of times I neglected to point out that would haul ass out of that hatch so fast they would be convinced they had sold that seat to the Flash – 8
  • Number of times I held my pee until my face blotched purple to avoid using an airplane bathroom – 3
  • Number of times I faked putting my seatbelt on: MEh – a couple –just to be spiteful.
  • Number of times I carried on a BAG – NEVAH!! AYFKM???
  • Number of times I feigned sleep / listening to music to avoid conversation with the old paunchy golf playing white guy beside me? – EVERY FREAKING TIME
  • Number of times that same old paunchy golf playing roadwarrior slipped a silent but deadly into my airspace - EVERY FREAKING TIME
  • Number of times the person behind me pulled my hair in order to use my seatback as a lever to pull themselves out of their seat - 20
  • Number of times I thought very very seriously about the possiblity that I may not walk again or that I may die from deep vein thrombosis - 6
  • Number of times I almost sneezed into the bald spot of the rude old paunchy golfplaying roadwarrior seated in front of me because he couldnt live without that additional 2 inches of space and he reclined his seat- 17

AYFKM Advice

I’m sure it’s not news to anyone reading this blog that I have long answered your queries in a syndicated newspaper advice column entitled “Ask Joan-onymous”. As a service to my online readership, I have agreed to post here, for your edification, one or two of those letters each week. 

Enjoy….

 

Dear Joan-onymous,

I hope you can help me. I’m so torn. I am taking a short business trip next week. I will be gone for two days. Should I check my bag or carry it on to the airplane with me?

Send Advice Soon

Bag-wildered on Business

 

Dear Bag-wildered,

AYFKM?!?!

Hope this helps.

Joan-onymous

 

Dear Joan-onymous,

I seek your wisdom. I am having an air travel conundrum. I want to use my best air travel etiquette on an upcoming vacation with my family, but we have a special scenario.

We are travelling to Bali and plan to purchase several natively crafted tribal bongos. Should I issue each of my family members one of these bongos and have them individually carry them on – ONE PER PERSON?

 Or should I risk checking them?

Bongo  Lovin Family Man

 

Dearest Bongo:

AYFKM???  Seriously, I need to know…AYFKM?!?!?

Hope I’ve helped

Joan-onymous 

AYFKM Weekly Poetry Entry #2


I cant believe what I just saw
on my way to the shopping mall
in the middle of suburban sprawl
I blinked my eyes and dropped my jaw
a giant cement cock

Ok so..

Giant might be overstating
those considering masturbating
should probably consider waiting
until im finished postulating
on the origins of said cock


So more..

down the street, less than a mile
to satisfy the plant-o-philes
is a nursery where plant-o-philes can while
away the days among the piles
of dirt and plants and daf-o-diles
and big cement cocks


another verse...

apparently they saw a need
for more than plants and flowering seed
a shopper of a different breed
would bring more cash if they succeed
statuary would fill the need
the kind with big cocks


wait for it..

in my little southern town
statues with cocks just arent around
an item upon which the genteel frown
doesnt just show up in a baptist town
the people SLEEP when the sun goes down
and they DONT buy statues with cocks.


wrapping it up I swear..

each time I find I'm at a stop
at the light in front of the cement cock
and I ponder on the lump of rock
that so offends the baptist flock
A thought invades, that I cant block
AYFKM???

The Weekly AYFKM Poetry Series - Entry 1

You are so afraid of that bag leaving your sight that you are going to carry it on
Lug it through security
Drag it on the train
Pull it down the concourse
Juggle it at the magazine counter
Babysit it at the bah
Looking over your shoulder watching for the slightest indication that the bag has escaped.
AYFKM?


They are finally boarding and as I skip down the jetway, both hands free, smile on my face
I frown at you
As you gather your bag
Trudge toward the agent
Laptop perched on top
handle sweaty from your palm
Im so confused by the cult-like devotion to the bag, your inability to part with it.
AYFKM?


Im settled in my my window seat, thankful that this time, I am safe from you
elbows safe from your bag
yes, too wide to fit
down the aisle without
knocking me senseless
and you are safe too
from my glare of irritation at that obvious rudeness, and your lack of apology
AYFKM?


I sigh deeply, stress-free, baglessly superior and bored by the predictable bag-lovers
Is this your coat
mind if I scoot it
Need my frakkin bag
right above my head
it holds my life force
And your reasonably sized coat among non cult member carry-ons are taking precious space.
AYFKM?


I flick on my ipod and plug my ears against the flight attendants prodding to gate check
watch you act put out
huffing to your seat
your day is shot
where is my precious
what if it wont return
Remember that slimy guy in Lord of the Rings who coveted the one ring? No?
AYFKM?


I flip through the free magazine, pretending to read, but watching you sit
thanking god you did not
check your awesome bag
its so much easier
to not pick it up
at the baggage claim
Proud of your ability to save time and effort, practically imperious about your success with the bag.
AYFKM???




Things I know Im supposed to "get" ....but I don't...

I dont know why I dont get this stuff, I just dont. 

Sometimes, when talking to the right person, at the right time,  and not feeling at that moment like defending my inadequate ability to appreciate one of things below, I will nod my head and express great appreciation for the "stuff" below. I may even spout some random trivia on the topic to illustrate my "interest". 

In the words of the wise Adam Sandler playing Billy Madison speaking the words of Shakespeare "NO MORE"

I dont get:

Anime - There, I said it. I dont get it. I know, I would get it if only I had seen the work of the great Hakamaja Norukamo (whatevah) .

The Beatles - Im not ashamed. Those songs dont make me feel anything. I've tried. The worst week American Idol ever had was the week all the songs were Beatles...ugh.

Elvis - Doesn't do it for me. I not only dont get the music, AT ALL, but I also dont get the mania. I dont get the purses and watches and collectible plates.  You know what I DO get? Miniature Graceland. Roanoke, VA - A lady built a miniature dollhouse sized Graceland Estate in her front yard. No shit. I saw it, and I totally got it.

Thomas Kinkaid - I have found, through very scientific research (multiple forced family gatherings where I systematically attempted meaningful, or at minimum, interesting, conversation with a number of relatives who are enthralled with Mr. Kinkaids "work") that I also seem to have an allergy towards those who DO get Thomas Kinkaid. I discovered this during these same conversations when, after speaking with the second or third Kinkaid fan in a row who had engaged me, I developed a very chapped ass.

Bono or Bruce Springsteen - ummm...dont get it. Not one single song. Not one. Evah.