My 2008 Delta Air Travel Stats

• Total number of Delta flights this year - 67
  
• Total Bags of Delta Peanuts consumed in 2008 – 46
• Total number of Delta Peanuts consumed in 2008 (assuming 10 peanuts per bag) 460
• Number of Times I considered purchasing something from the SkyMall Magazine but then forgot about it as soon as I exited the airplane – 176
• Number of times I reviewed the safety instruction card: 0
• Number of times I assured the flight attendant that I was not only willing but also ABLE to help in the event of an emergency in order to secure myself an emergency row seat. – 8
• Number of times I neglected to point out that would haul ass out of that hatch so fast they would be convinced they had sold that seat to the Flash – 8
• Number of times I held my pee until my face blotched purple to avoid using an airplane bathroom – 3
• Number of times I faked putting my seatbelt on: MEh – a couple –just to be spiteful.
• Number of times I carried on a BAG – NEVAH!! AYFKM???
• Number of times I feigned sleep / listening to music to avoid conversation with the old paunchy golf playing white guy beside me? – EVERY FREAKING TIME
  
• Number of times that same old paunchy golf playing roadwarrior slipped a silent but deadly into my airspace - EVERY FREAKING TIME
• Number of times the person behind me pulled my hair in order to use my seatback as a lever to pull themselves out of their seat - 20
• Number of times I thought very very seriously about the possiblity that I may not walk again or that I may die from deep vein thrombosis - 6
• Number of times I almost sneezed into the bald spot of the rude old paunchy golfplaying roadwarrior seated in front of me because he couldnt live without that additional 2 inches of space and he reclined his seat- 17

AYFKM Advice

I’m sure it’s not news to anyone reading this blog that I have long answered your queries in a syndicated newspaper advice column entitled “Ask Joan-onymous”. As a service to my online readership, I have agreed to post here, for your edification, one or two of those letters each week. 

Enjoy….

 

Dear Joan-onymous,

I hope you can help me. I’m so torn. I am taking a short business trip next week. I will be gone for two days. Should I check my bag or carry it on to the airplane with me?

Send Advice Soon

Bag-wildered on Business

 

Dear Bag-wildered,

AYFKM?!?!

Hope this helps.

Joan-onymous

 

Dear Joan-onymous,

I seek your wisdom. I am having an air travel conundrum. I want to use my best air travel etiquette on an upcoming vacation with my family, but we have a special scenario.

We are travelling to Bali and plan to purchase several natively crafted tribal bongos. Should I issue each of my family members one of these bongos and have them individually carry them on – ONE PER PERSON?

 Or should I risk checking them?

Bongo  Lovin Family Man

 

Dearest Bongo:

AYFKM???  Seriously, I need to know…AYFKM?!?!?

Hope I’ve helped

Joan-onymous 

AYFKM Weekly Poetry Entry #2

I cant believe what I just saw

on my way to the shopping mall

in the middle of suburban sprawl

I blinked my eyes and dropped my jaw

a giant cement cock

Ok so..

Giant might be overstating

those considering masturbating

should probably consider waiting

until im finished postulating

on the origins of said cock

So more..

down the street, less than a mile

to satisfy the plant-o-philes

is a nursery where plant-o-philes can while

away the days among the piles

of dirt and plants and daf-o-diles

and big cement cocks

another verse...

apparently they saw a need

for more than plants and flowering seed

a shopper of a different breed

would bring more cash if they succeed

statuary would fill the need

the kind with big cocks

wait for it..

in my little southern town

statues with cocks just arent around

an item upon which the genteel frown

doesnt just show up in a baptist town

the people SLEEP when the sun goes down

and they DONT buy statues with cocks.

wrapping it up I swear..

each time I find I'm at a stop

at the light in front of the cement cock

and I ponder on the lump of rock

that so offends the baptist flock

A thought invades, that I cant block

AYFKM???

The Weekly AYFKM Poetry Series - Entry 1

You are so afraid of that bag leaving your sight that you are going to carry it on
Lug it through security
Drag it on the train
Pull it down the concourse
Juggle it at the magazine counter
Babysit it at the bah
Looking over your shoulder watching for the slightest indication that the bag has escaped.
AYFKM?


They are finally boarding and as I skip down the jetway, both hands free, smile on my face
I frown at you
As you gather your bag
Trudge toward the agent
Laptop perched on top
handle sweaty from your palm
Im so confused by the cult-like devotion to the bag, your inability to part with it.
AYFKM?


Im settled in my my window seat, thankful that this time, I am safe from you
elbows safe from your bag
yes, too wide to fit
down the aisle without
knocking me senseless
and you are safe too
from my glare of irritation at that obvious rudeness, and your lack of apology
AYFKM?


I sigh deeply, stress-free, baglessly superior and bored by the predictable bag-lovers
Is this your coat
mind if I scoot it
Need my frakkin bag
right above my head
it holds my life force
And your reasonably sized coat among non cult member carry-ons are taking precious space.
AYFKM?


I flick on my ipod and plug my ears against the flight attendants prodding to gate check
watch you act put out
huffing to your seat
your day is shot
where is my precious
what if it wont return
Remember that slimy guy in Lord of the Rings who coveted the one ring? No?
AYFKM?


I flip through the free magazine, pretending to read, but watching you sit
thanking god you did not
check your awesome bag
its so much easier
to not pick it up
at the baggage claim
Proud of your ability to save time and effort, practically imperious about your success with the bag.
AYFKM???

Things I know Im supposed to "get" ....but I don't...

I dont know why I dont get this stuff, I just dont. 

Sometimes, when talking to the right person, at the right time,  and not feeling at that moment like defending my inadequate ability to appreciate one of things below, I will nod my head and express great appreciation for the "stuff" below. I may even spout some random trivia on the topic to illustrate my "interest". 

In the words of the wise Adam Sandler playing Billy Madison speaking the words of Shakespeare "NO MORE"

I dont get:

Anime - There, I said it. I dont get it. I know, I would get it if only I had seen the work of the great Hakamaja Norukamo (whatevah) .

The Beatles - Im not ashamed. Those songs dont make me feel anything. I've tried. The worst week American Idol ever had was the week all the songs were Beatles...ugh.

Elvis - Doesn't do it for me. I not only dont get the music, AT ALL, but I also dont get the mania. I dont get the purses and watches and collectible plates.  You know what I DO get? Miniature Graceland. Roanoke, VA - A lady built a miniature dollhouse sized Graceland Estate in her front yard. No shit. I saw it, and I totally got it.

Thomas Kinkaid - I have found, through very scientific research (multiple forced family gatherings where I systematically attempted meaningful, or at minimum, interesting, conversation with a number of relatives who are enthralled with Mr. Kinkaids "work") that I also seem to have an allergy towards those who DO get Thomas Kinkaid. I discovered this during these same conversations when, after speaking with the second or third Kinkaid fan in a row who had engaged me, I developed a very chapped ass.

Bono or Bruce Springsteen - ummm...dont get it. Not one single song. Not one. Evah.